Close Community, Distant Hearts

Work at Lapin. An average day, Chie-san stays until 2 pm after I work. Conversation is minimal at best; Nothing compared to being Oka-san, who never ceases to lift my spirits. I come in clean trays, the amount of bread on display, clean some dishes, converse. Suddenly an elderly woman and her granddaughter come in, as Chie-san leaves. Miho(the sister of the owner) comes to help me with register. But something isn’t right.

“Are you OK?”, I ask. Knowing she will lie.

“I am fine.”

As soon as the ritual “thank you”‘s and “come again”‘s are over. I look over; she is crying. She asks if its okay to leave the store to me.

“It’s fine.”

She rushes to the back. What happened? Why did she start crying all of the sudden? As i get utensils for the egg salad recipe, I overhear. Mostly cannot get. But what I understand is that something about hateful words said by that little girl earlier to her daughter at school – they were once friends? I can’t get it all. I curse my Japanese. A little later, Miho is still not around. Faking a reason to go to the storage room. She is leaning against the shelves. Still crying. I can’t do anything for her. I can only helplessly look on as she suffers before me.

My life in Japan has lead me into relationships that seem so right, so fun, and so satisfying. However, when trouble mounts around us, reality vaguely seen becomes terribly lucid. Those I care about I cannot console. Their pain is inconsolable. I can be there. Maybe that is enough… for them, but not for me. I am utterly helpless before their pain. The native speaker can easily contrive words of encouragement. I cannot even if I think for an hour the words will not come. i know them not. I thought I know them, but I only know what my language ability allows me. One might think that this would encourage in me the motivation to study. But I cannot. I am burned out. Can I really justify all the hours of study with just the thought that I will be able to connect, console, and encourage those in pain around me.

Like a great bamboo grove, my Japanese friends are so close. Almost leaning on me. Almost touching, but never do.